give us a more complete thesis statement. Don’t just tell us you’re good at sketching, tell us that sketching changed your life, then go into detail.
First Highlighted part:
give us more sensory details in this moment. This is a pivotal moment in your life, and in your story, so give us more details or internal thoughts. Tell us what your grandfather looked like and how his face changed as you talked with him. What did his office look like? What did it smell like? Make the reader feel like they are in the room with you.
Second Highlighted part:
Tell us about a specific moment
Third Highlighted part:
Bring us into another specific moment like you did before with your grandfather.
Add detail where necessary!
Make is realistic!